Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works

It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.

I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.

“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”

-me, drunk, watching the pool vac

My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.

[50 years from now]

*visiting husband’s grave*

“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”

me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.

Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.

It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.

[inventing chalk]

We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.

GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!

This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.

love it when they get my name right

When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”

Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?

I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean

Them: You’re a dumpster fire.

Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?

I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.

Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.

“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”

[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]

HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please

ME: six

I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker

All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.

I met my wife on Tinder.!

*After 4 months of marriage

DOCTOR: I’m gonna order another round…

ME: whoa you guys serve here?

DOCTOR:…of tests.

Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?

I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.

I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.

I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.