Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality

Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?

Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.

That escalated quickly

– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.

Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.

Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.

“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter

[3am]

WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…

ME: *suddenly awake*

WIFE: …teach me calculus?

ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative

therapist: what do you see?

me: Snoopy

therapist: this one?

me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football

therapist: I see, and now?

me: Lucy moved the ball

therapist: wtf this is the wrong book

Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”

WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:

•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.

a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE

Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.

Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”

People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.

Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?

[in the bedroom]

Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*

Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana

I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.

If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?

My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]

groan^2

if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy

Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.

thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT

kidnapper: we have your son

my dad: ask him if he has my lighter

*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me

My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy

“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.

Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.

Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.

Do emojis hide????

I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?

(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)