@Reverend_Scott

I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.

“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”

*pulls the plug*

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@AsgardianRose

Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.

@TheBoydP

Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”

@SilleVio

Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”

@Megatronic13

My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.

@JimmerThatisAll

Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.

@Sean_Burgundy_

[ Skydiving ]

Instructor: SIR. You can’t just jump out without your equipment on

Me: *Shows him text of gf saying “We need to talk”

@dannyboy7813

Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers

@StellaGMaddox

My daughter wrote, “I will see you every day of our lives,” on my Mother’s Day card, so I guess we’ve resorted to threats now.

@internetluke

[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”