Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
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Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
[ Skydiving ]
Instructor: SIR. You can’t just jump out without your equipment on
Me: *Shows him text of gf saying “We need to talk”
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
My daughter wrote, “I will see you every day of our lives,” on my Mother’s Day card, so I guess we’ve resorted to threats now.
Watson was Holmes schooled
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”