Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?

Want his attention?

Send nudes

Want to piss him off?

When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”

My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.

Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.

When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.

Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol

Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.

If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee

It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.

My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.

Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.

The Assassin.

I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring

Funny women are smart. Be careful.

the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account

when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there

I have 2 words for you:

Waffle.
Pants.

Also, I may be high from paint fumes.

Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.

[on a first date]

Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…

Her: I had a great time, good night!

Me: *runs in front of her car

Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat

Me: Coke please

Waiter: Is heroin okay?

my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.

If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.

Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?

me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water

my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that

I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.

Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables

Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]

Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?

Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.

I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.