I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
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To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Kid: What’re you doing?
Me: Trying to decide whether I’d rather have a live-in housekeeper or a personal chef.
Kid: We can only have one?
She’s mastered this game.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?