Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible

Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.

COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”

TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff

It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.

Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.

My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.

Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?

I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.

Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.

BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?

ROBHURT: yeh

Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.

Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.

Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…

Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.

Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep

I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.

Me: Just once?

Dog:

Me: Please?

Dog:

Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”

Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?

Construction sites are so shy. Let me see

📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty

You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum

My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.

Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.

mugger: *points gun* your money or your life

me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix

mugger: no i mean-

me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital

Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.

Me: I know what you’re thinking. Everyone thinks it’s suspicious that my husbands died of natural causes so early in life
Him: One fell while hiking, one tumbled out of his office window and the other drove his car into the ocean.
Me: Gravity is natural.

“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”

*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler

If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.

Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’

*gets taste of own medicine*

Yep this is my medicine

“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”

What do you mean?

“It’s all denty”

My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.

just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun