Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies

You are probably horrified by my wardrobe

Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St

Should not be a surprise

water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean

water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani

How do dragons blow out candles?

When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits

😂🥴

My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”

If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami

Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀

Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on

I’m terrible with names…

…just ask my daughter Barry

i love fleetwood mac, but “thunder only happens when it’s raining” is just categorically untrue

“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”

me, to the collection agency

I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you

Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.

[doing crunches]

Me: get it? ab solution?

Priest: so excommunicated

“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”

*flirty giggle* “ok…”

“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”

If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink

Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?

God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.

Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?

God: Turn its frown upside down.

Angel: That’s not much of a diff-

God: Give it a sideways tail.

Angel: O…kay…

God: Punch a hole in its noggin.

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on

hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car

“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive

“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive

Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.

“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.

“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%

“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%

Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’

Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’

You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.

Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…