Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: do carrots help your eyesight

me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen

Him: I like bad girls.

Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.

Him:

Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.

Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.

And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.

Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?

Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure

Me: *rips pants bending over*

Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!

Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.

Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*

Me: *dies*

My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.

How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?

there should be an island full of all the dogs that bit people. could call it Bad Dog Island. and of course we’d send my little sister there too

*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.

the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum

This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.

THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!

I can’t stop watching this.

The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…

shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch

pep talk

You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor

I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job

I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.

Today’s Times

Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭

God: you’re a jellyfish.

Jellyfish: nice.

God: you have no bones.

Jellyfish: ok.

God: and no brain.

Jellyfish: oh.

God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.

Jellyfish:

God: you’re H2OhNo lol.

Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?

Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…

Prince William: Definitely not racistly!

oh youre into retro physical media and urban exploration? enjoy getting killed by a japanese ghost while im playing black ops 6 in my unhaunted house, idiot

The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.

Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*

Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.

I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.