i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
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If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
That de-escalated quickly
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.