I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
You Might Also Like
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head:
1. Wait until they’ve hit their head
2. Say “ooh, mind your head”
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put