Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else

just gave my 5yo power of attorney

People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.

Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.

Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…

Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.

me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any

also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it

Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.

waiter: is pepsi ok

pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok

thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones

“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”

can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point

( spelling bee )

Your word is “passive-aggressive”

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.

One of my sons wants to become a historian and the other wants to become an artist so I guess I want to become a lottery winner

I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.

I translated it for you because it’s just the funniest dialog

[hell]

Me: Why am I here?

Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.

Me: OK that’s fair.

Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.

wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600

I’m at the farmers market- anybody need any farmers?

I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.

3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?

Me: Heaven.

3: I don’t want to go there.

Me: Why not?

3: It’s full of dead people.

Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.

Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry

Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.

After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.

I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.

I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.

[standing at urinal]

me: *shakes*
guy next to me: stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: i said stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: KNOCK IT OFF
me: *puts down tambourine*

operators are standing by to ignore your call

when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.