Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad

Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.

Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”

I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.

being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.

i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby

These fireworks are awesome! High four!

[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”

First child: Eats yogurt.

Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.

Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?

“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”

“HR? You don’t have a job.”

“Tell them that.”

How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?

hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly

How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?

I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.

I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.

If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.

My friend asked if I had any spare cash to pay for his straw.
Unfortunately l hadn’t got the bale money

heard that the average person swallows eight spiders in their sleep a year
rookie numbers
my personal best was 49 back in ’11
the secret? look for and eat the spiders while you’re awake
no one ever thinks of that

My dad told us with complete confidence and authority that cake batter was dangerous to kids but not adults and we watched him lick the beaters for *years* before questioning how exactly that worked.

coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning

me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast

Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.

Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”

Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts

People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?

Podiatrists don’t use metric.

They only deal with feet.

Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it

T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all

[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]

I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know

Pros & cons of being a skeleton:

Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..

Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone

The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six