Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*

mama: stop that!

monkeys: why hahaha

mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you

Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?

CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.

I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday

I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.

I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself

what if nobody was president and we all promised really hard to just be good

guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.

Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.

Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.

You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.

my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.

Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:

Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot

never signed up for a 401k cuz there’s no way in hell i can run that far

A career website for plumbers called sinkedin

A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50

[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders

My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.

“You want a BOOTH?!”

“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”

“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”

~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand

—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.

—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.

Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.

Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.

All week the kids have been asking me where the hairbrushes are, I just checked and they’re in the bathroom drawers exactly where they’re supposed to be, which is apparently very confusing for my children

I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.

If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.

Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.

We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.

for all you non-native English speakers out there

“read” is pronounced like “lead”

and

“read” is pronounced like “lead”

my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.

Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.