I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
You Might Also Like
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
If an attacker broke into my house and & I was hiding, all they’d have to do is fart.
I’d giggle and give myself away immediately.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it