Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.

I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.

I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.

Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.

“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.

This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.

My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”

Waiter: would you like a lobster bib

Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously

Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?

I know a bad idea when I see one.

Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.

I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.

saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ

when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast

I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY

*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”

ME: I shot a man in Reno–

YOU: Just to watch him die? haha

ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.

Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.

My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.

Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”

I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.

At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lying

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth

Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.

My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”

So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.

Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.

Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.

Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you

4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.

If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.