I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
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I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*