I’m tired tomorrow.
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Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
[Responding to a text I got 4 months ago]:
Yeah sure what time
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
