I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
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*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Best mom ever 😂
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet