Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

time traveler: i love your volcano

pompeiian: our what?

time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain

Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people

According to my bank account, I’m Rich!

Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.

Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?

Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter

This a good idea

Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…

DAMMIT!

-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today

me when the borders lift

teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door

*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in

Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.

Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?

Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.

[Snow White sees her doctor]

Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot

Show me a better name for a sugar company.

Interviewer: Can you explain this 5-year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I didn’t have a job. Do you not know how resumes work?

1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait

I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place

Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?

Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!

ME: Tell me my future.

PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.

ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!

When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”

“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”

I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.

A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.

i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting

My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.

My term for the other half is “breakfast”.

I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.

We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”

I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again

Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.

Siri: Step over the dog.