I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
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I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
when someone rings the doorbell
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Me in the summer: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s sunny and beautiful outside
Me in the winter: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s snowy and cold outside
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
My body is like my phone battery. Usually drained by 4pm.