Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girl on the train complimented me and said I was funny, responded with “thanks, it’s all I have” and the rest of the train gave me a worried look

Things I learnt from Avatar:

– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.

God: And then let’s send in murder hornets

Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?

God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus

Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?

God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?

To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.

[arguing w girlfriend]

Her: I feel like we have communication problems.

Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.

If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?

I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake

me: is there a doctor on this plane?????

doctor: i’m a doctor

me: my mom wants us to meet

My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.

Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…

“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”

Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car

Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car

Cops: oh well that’s different

The greatest revenge is a life well lived.

If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.

You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.

Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.

My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.

Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.

(Adobe CEO’s house)

Like the new couch hun?

Update it.

What about the wallpap…

UPDATE IT ALL.

You’re scaring the ki…

UPDATE THEM TOO…

I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”

I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.

[80% of bar rescue eps]

TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him

Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.

I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.

I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…

Her: “Move.”

[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: ａｌｗａｙｓ

Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.

(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)

People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.

Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body

Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.

Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.

“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]