I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
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Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂