I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
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I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
My daughter has been super nice lately and encouraging me to take naps so I can rest and I just discovered that while I’ve been doing that she’s been slowly decimating my secret candy stash
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??