I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
You Might Also Like
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
I love being an adult and sitting absolutely still and suddenly I’ve hurt my neck somehow
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Canadians are nice because they’re close to Santa
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
took my kids to the trampoline park and within minutes one of them was attending a stranger’s birthday party and the other one let me know that she had made an ‘enemy for life’
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Good morning!
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.