I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
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Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…