Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.

When my husband says I don’t get out enough with the kids when they’re off school in the summer, I like to remind him it’s called being a stay-at-home mom and not a leave-the-house mom.

Become a minion. Get that bread.

This could be us, but you weedin’.

interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?

God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans

*puts ex in Memory Lane*

*revs car engine*

My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.

explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no

The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.

Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.

Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.

Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner

Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!

Me: Christine divorced me

Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!

Me: He stole Christine

Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!

Me: They took the dog

Fb: I KNOW

Me: Why are you doing this

Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON

[1st day as judge]

Murderer: [waves at me]

Me [waves back]: He seems nice

Lawyer: He killed six people

Me: He probably didn’t mean it

waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined

me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money

Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines

There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.

Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.

My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”

Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids

This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.

Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember

Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.

My 9: what language does toast speak?

French toast.

“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?

“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”

9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.

The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.

Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.

Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses

ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]