Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is everything so sticky?

-parenthood

Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.

*sales call

Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..

Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever

need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it

Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.

My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.

The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.

Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.

[Trapped on a Island]

*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”

*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”

If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.

writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong

writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth

I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.

John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit

Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.

The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.

*wife is out of town*

Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?

*looks around and shrugs*

Screw it. This is my house.

*falls into toilet at 3AM*

In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.

My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me

[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.

I have two kinds of followers

Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression

Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-

Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE

tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.

Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.

Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”

Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous

IKEA Manager: Sir.

I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.

Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.

Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?

My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?

*phone rings*

Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!