I’m too immature for adultery.
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So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Roses are pink
Violets are red
Get on your knees
And do what I said
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
A hacker called me and said he had all my passwords. I got a pen and paper and said ‘Thank God for that, what are they?’
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Me before grocery shopping: healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this
Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows???
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Please, I am begging you.
Stop looking at weird sh*t on your company-issued laptops.