Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.

The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s

Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.

Him: You hit me three times!

If I make my 3yo a ham sandwich he won’t touch it but if I make myself a ham sandwich he’s gotta have the entire thing

Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?

-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family

Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.

Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.

funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time

My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.

Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.

Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.

AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”

Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since

One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.

[cabin rentals]

DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.

Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720

I like chaos.

-turns on news-

Not like that

I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up

*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes

Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate

Him: U started your diet, didn’t u

I know VERY basic Japanese.

When I got to Japan, I tried a Japan exclusive Starbucks drink. My bf is allergic to nuts so in perfect Japanese I asked,

“does this have nuts in it?

The cashier said “ooh, nut allergy?” (In Japanese)

I responded…..

“Sí.”

…

I HAVE NO WORDS 😭

Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay

*goes to bed

Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅

Haha! 😂

LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping

I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.

Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.

Me: Great.

*later*

Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.

Me: I think there has been a mistake.

Professor: I said sit down.

My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.

My therapist: try working on your active listening skills

Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles

Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?

Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands

PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever