Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts

[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”

[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen

11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”

The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.

My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.

Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.

You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.

My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”

[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog

[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my own

ME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.

Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”

The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.

Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.

I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.

In order to catch herpes…

You need to think like a herpe.

Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.

just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???

Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”

I have a photographic memory, but I’ve run out of film

My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.

Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined

Me: no

Buy one annoying person, get two free!

– In-laws

Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.

eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.

Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?

I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.

Shift.

I meant SHIFT!

Oh god.

You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.