Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*

Okay, weigh me now.

Them: how does 9am sound?

Me: sounds like you’re dead to me

I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.

My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.

PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!

ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*

DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?

ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right

There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.

My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.

Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”

Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”

Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”

Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”

Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”

My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.

I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.

The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.

Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.

My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming

Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.

You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?

[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.

Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.

In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms

How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?

read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of

My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing

*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*

*pays $47.00*

The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline

Air conditioners are just human refrigerators

[being eaten alive by cannibals]

cannibal: is he… joining in?

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*

I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.