Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?

Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:

The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.

A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.

HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan

I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …

Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.

I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.

My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.

millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to

me: I need to see the doctor

receptionist: ok, name?

me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair

[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]

14: it smells like chores in here

Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!

Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?

TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller

Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.

[in the bedroom]

Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*

Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana

I’m so full I could puke a horse

I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.

Have donuts and coffee, will travel.

HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral

it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option

I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.

I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.

I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.

You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.

It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.

People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.

The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.

Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30

Gucci: What about $200?

Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine

My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens

[at Starbucks]

ME: One large starbuck please.

BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-

ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.

Stick with me and you’ll go places.

None of them good, but still.