Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.

In honor of A REAL PAIN hitting theaters, one of my favorite Jesse Eisenberg anecdotes

Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious

HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?

20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him

40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU

Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body

Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.

good morning

To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…

Are you okay? How does that even happen?

jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up

Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!

My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.

#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?

The slowest swimmer.

There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.

Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour

I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt

The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”

justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner

mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah

me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com

Sometimes? I’m slipping

Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though

“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.

She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.

Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”

and then there’s this guy:

Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?

Helicopter pilot: …no.

No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!

For all I know, you could be a vegan.

I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.

my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?

me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one

“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”

*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea

Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.

Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too

If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?