Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.

I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.

No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.

What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?

If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.

The answer is “Nun of the Above”.

My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?

Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.

My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.

Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”

We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder

Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.

It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.

Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?

gf: we can’t have another pet

me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots

If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.

If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..

Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name

Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us

4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂

This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL

whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps

Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)

H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.

M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.

I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.

The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise

I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.

Yoga Matt

SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.

what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”

My son 🙋🏽‍♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”

I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.

Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.