I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
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All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Watching the Olympics I was inspired to get back out running as I’ve put quite a bit of timber on. Pulled a muscle trying to pull up my running socks. The mrs hasn’t stopped laughing
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
We are a nation of people who queue, and who know and respect the rules of queuing. This of course goes out the window when we hear “we are opening till number 4”
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department