I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
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Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Ummm 😳
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
My 7yo told me that her friend Michael said the S-word. When I asked which Michael she replied with, “not Michael Jordan.” Ah, okay, it must be the Michael from school.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s’il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”