I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
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My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
The honesty is refreshing
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
Me: I only use one side of my brain.
Them: Which side?
Me: The bad one.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.