Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.

dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn

evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts

My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.

I’m confused about plants

[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.

Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no

[running into my ex while shopping]

Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.

Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.

Before crowbars crows drank alone

Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.

Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.

Me: How much for the doggy in the window

Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here

My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..

I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.

Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.

You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine

There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.

They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.

Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.

[First date]

Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.

Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount

You say tired, I say challenge.

-A toddler at bedtime.

[Garden Of Eden]

Adam: Is this your first time?

Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.

Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.

Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…

Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]

…EXACTLY.

my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*

me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*

My kids and I both think of Martha Stewart as “the brownies lady” but for very different reasons

just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate

them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg

me: try harder.

Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.

Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?

Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.