I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
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I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
If you don’t have personal demons, store bought is fine.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Go girl power!
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!