I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
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My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Just found some of Moo Deng’s old tweets and woof it’s not looking good
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
just got CPR certified if yall know anyone dead or dying tell them hml
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
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Him: …
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Him: …
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Him: …
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