Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Sesame Street casting]

Director: We need role models for the kids

“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”

Director: Anything else?

“Two jobless roommates”

Director: First of all I love it

One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic

I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa

My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:

Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.

Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.

any last words?

Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?

Running from your problems is cardio .

Him: Do that thing I hate

Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions

If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.

Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.

Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.

Me: Ahh finally, some sleep

My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?

Me: Goddamnit

[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*

[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there

ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin

Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.

Me: so was this pie

Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.

ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present

ESKIMO: You idiot

Everyone is critical of British cuisine but if you think that our food is bad you’re going to lose your minds when you see our everything else.

HER: I love the movie The Shining

ME: [trying to impress] same

HER: what’s ur favorite part

ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine

[training to be a meat cutter]

butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes

me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]

Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:

Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.

kthanksbye

[first day working at the zoo]

Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-

Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys

The joke is on this spin class instructor.

My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.

interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?

me: self-quarantine

interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000

me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies

In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.

Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.

Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain