I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
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My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew Rob kept a diary.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
There has never been a better time to go out in the middle of the night and spreadeagle a pair of your old pyjamas on the steps of a church along with a note saying “If you’re reading this, you missed the Rapture.”
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers