I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
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[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
I wish more places gave out stickers like the ones you get for voting. “I got a colonoscopy!” “I got a mammogram!” “I got a pap smear!” “I got a prostate exam!”
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
Kids, do not try this at home!
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
*lint rolls you awake*
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert