I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
You Might Also Like
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
WHY?!
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
this site is so cooked lol
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it