I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
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I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*