i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
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I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Someone asked if my niece was my sister and the look of pleasure on my 40 year old face was matched only by the look of horror on her teenage face
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
me: the actors-turned-podcasters interviewing other actors-turned-podcasters & asking each other questions as if each is interviewing each other for each other’s podcasts is the ultimate entertainment/broadcasting ouroboros.
my dog: woof! {i’m gonna try being a stray for a while
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Her: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby, it’s cold outside
Her: I’m Canadian, I can handle it
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib