i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
You Might Also Like
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
If I ever went to jail for murder it would be for murdering my printer.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches