Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
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“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.