I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
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Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
be nice to me or i will put you in the soup
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Cat is stressing him out.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25
slow driver in front of me:
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Mothra: [flying around]
Godzilla: [waving a rolled up magazine]
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”