Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.

Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this

Therapist: actually you absolutely are

Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040

I’ve never seen a runner smiling.

So that’s all I need to know about that.

2014: maybe 2015 will be better

2015: maybe 2016 will be better

2016: omg, wtf is happening?

2017: is this a bad dream?

2018: no seriously, WTF?!

2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE

~At a snowboarding store.

Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.

Me: i know

Him:…

Me: Wait, what, oh the board…

I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.

If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.

“This tofu tastes like chicken.”

No one believes you dude.

First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.

When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.

Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.

Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.

The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”

I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up

My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭

I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.

That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.

Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.

Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.

Interviewer:

Me: And neither wears pants

Dude at the gym: whoa that’s a lot of weight

Me: [picking up my stack of bills again] yea man and that’s just this month

I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home

If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.

*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube

me at the job i begged god for

Email: You are invited to a virtual—

Me: Nope.

Someone asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

30 minutes was not the right answer.

It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus

Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight

Do you want contact-free delivery?

□ Yes
▣ No

*jazz hands*