Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.

I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado

BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota

[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG

What

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.

When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny

[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.

[writing Jurassic Park 2]

Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT

Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-

Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN

Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.

This guy is full of crap

-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse

I met my wife on Tinder.!

*After 4 months of marriage

Noticed that 9/11 and Friday the 13th are both next week and briefly had the dumb thought “it’ll be weird when they fall on the same day.”

When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”

Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.

Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”

My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.

My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.

Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”

It was a broom! 😂🤣

Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣

please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume

If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.

3yo: Mommy I peed in the bathroom!

Me: That’s great pal! …. Wait in the toilet?

3:…

Me: Did. You. Pee. In. The. Toilet?

3:…

Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say

friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU

me: OH NO!

Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.

A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.

😭

[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”

i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know

How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?