Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)

I’m pretty like a car crash.

I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.

Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.

Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.

You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.

In space, no one can hear…

SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU

*shakes buy one get one free coupon*

Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.

[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys

BISON DAD: good bye, son.

BISON SON: thank you, dad.

I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament

When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.

Maine is beautiful and calm.

Stephen King: Hold my balloon.

Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.

My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

Therapist: what’s your support system like?

Me: about $150 an oz

Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it

I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room

True freaking story!

“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.

me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously

personal trainer: *just glares*

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.

Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.

Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up

[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.

That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.

Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!

Huh. You look upset.

I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.

Them: Why are you late?

Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.