Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3

*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!

Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils

Me: *trying to sleep*

Gf: Babe?

Me: Hmm?

Her: Why will she be riding six white horses when she comes?

Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.

[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT

me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?

My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.

In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.

“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works

*yells from the back of an ambulance*

“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”

Apparrotly you can drop the names of birds into the start of sentences and people won’t even notice

If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait

[during sex]

me: imma turn the ceiling fan on

giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo

*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house

[last meal on death row]

“Pepper?”

*nods*

“Say when”

*winks to camera*

Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”

*mugger approaches*

Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”

Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.

If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.

VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »

The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.

After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.

I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.

If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.

coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested

My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet

January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.

I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid