I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
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“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
Most of those “my OF is just…” jokes are actually brilliant ideas I’d pay to see. Baking cookies topless? That sounds very entertaining
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
“You’d better run, egg!”
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
“Let them fake cake”
Marie Internette
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
What?!?
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.