I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
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[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?