I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
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I’m taking my kids with me to the office today. They’ll learn about my industry and what I do for a living and my coworkers will learn why I show up to work looking like a disheveled, defeated husk of a man.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
My husband just brought me a glass of wine unprompted. He must’ve noticed I cut my bangs today.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Would you wear it?
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
“and how does that make you feel?”
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
someone on TikTok accused me of stealing a stand up joke and when I asked them from who? they sent me a clip of someone doing the joke and that someone was me.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool