I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
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My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
Meat Cute
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
💀
I just got an email saying ‘At Google earth we can read maps backwards!’
I thought, “That’s just spam.”
My favorite things about Twitter are that everything you read is true, everyone is nice, and all intentions are pure of heart
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Lmbo
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.