I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
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On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Going to church you guys need anything
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
No. YOU-buprofen.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.