I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
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Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.
Simple meth.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Just a reminder: 3-year-olds like to be given a choice! When you’re getting ready to go, ask them “would you like to wear sneakers or sandals?” so that they feel INCLUDED and EMPOWERED to scream at the top of their lungs that they want to wear their Mickey Mouse bedroom slippers
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
DON’T JUST TAKE PHOTOS! BUY! 😡
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.