Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chinese Food: $16.72

Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94

Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless

Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.

My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.

ㅤ

Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.

Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?

Imagine us having sex..

Wrong, more lasagna.

*getting murdered*

WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*

Okay, proceed.

Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!

It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.

When I tell my husband I have to go to the bathroom, he’s all like, I don’t need to know that, but bring home a new pet and he’s suddenly like, we need to work on your communication skills

I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.

Me: (singing along with the car radio)

Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?

Me: No, why?

Friend: So you don’t have to.

I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.

-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral

I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.

If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter

How does a farmer find new cows to buy?

He looks through the cattlelog.

I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.

{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}

Old Lady: Your son is adorable

4 yr. old: *running down aisles*

Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.

I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?

[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]

ME: …I dont remember

I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.

Britches love stitches.

“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”

Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops

People who think all witches are women and all doctors are men must be really confused by witch doctors

If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…

What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?

*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*

In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.

my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”

Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.