I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
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Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994