I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
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Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
fair
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Cndnsd Mlk
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?