Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,

disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?

disciple 2: his dad owns the company

Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.

my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas

Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.

Doctor: You have bronchitis

Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?

I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.

So who’s the hero now?

You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives

Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me

Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*

Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats

Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school

My kids tell me I drink too much.

It’s funny they don’t make the connection.

There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

You didn’t, the brakes did.

Cop: But do you know why?

Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?

Cop: Get out.

The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.

I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.

Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.

[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much

ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.

Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time

cheers erupt as woman cuts into perfectly ripe avocado

I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad

Sorry I made promises on Friday

I swear to god after this election I’m taking a long break from social media for 2-3 hours

*acts sassy*

*flips hair*

*walks into a wall*

me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it

5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks

Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.

You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs

me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?

6: no

me:

[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t