I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
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All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.