I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
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“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
I think this might be relevant today.
Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Bag of flesh that acts weird when another bag of flesh doesn’t send symbols on glowing screen
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.