I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
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Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
a space alien in another galaxy opens a mysterious letter from the earth. as soon as he opens it a bunch of glitter falls out onto the floor. he slowly looks over at his friend, “okay, i’ve had enough of this. get into your spaceship & go destroy that planet.”
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
three things we don’t talk about
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
welcome back
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet …. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.