Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.

A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.

I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.

If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit

The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.

And send

*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?

~How my send button should function

I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.

When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.

I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas

I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.

If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.

This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.

I bet you didn’t see that one coming.

Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?

Some people age like wine, others age like milk.

5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.

Me: Do they hurt your feet?

5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.

Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”

Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”

Lambs: “Baaaa!”

Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”

Lambs: “…”

Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”

No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run

“Will.he.was”

-Will.i.am’s tombstone

What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!

me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry

her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-

me: I mean I’ll do anything

her: I just said you can lis-

me: anything at all

Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that one time you tried to get in on the friend group’s riff and your joke bombed so hard that it changed the whole vibe

[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box

I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable

What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.

The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.

Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU

Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.

9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.

The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.

If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it