I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
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I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.
Anyone want a chair?
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”