Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Batman V Superman 2:

Both men agree their last battle was too destructive

They settle their differences by playing Uno

Loser leaves earth

[commercial for gymnastics]

Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?

Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking

[In a meeting]

Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.

Liz: *glares*

Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.

When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos

Them: You seem nice.

Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.

Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?

If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.

So it was a happy ending

BOSS: your productivity has been low

ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week

BOSS: who?

ME: me

If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.

I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.

Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?

Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies

Doctor 1: YES!! done

Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me

Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality

Honest job application:

On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.

Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?

Diamond: rookie

😂😂😂

i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy

Judge: How do you plead?

Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?

Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip

My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.

“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”

“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.

my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?

the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good

my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)

Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample

This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.

There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis

usher: bride or groom

me: just a guest

usher: no which are you here for

me: neither I’m married

*gestures to my unmown yard*

“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”

*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*

“This, too, is for the pollinators.”

*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”

“Pollinators.”

[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”

3yo: Wipe me!

Me: What did you do?

3: Only pee and poop.

Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]