I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
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If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
It’s time for Final Jeopardy! 👨🏻
Category: Sharks of the Sea
This shark is nicknamed the “garbage can of the sea” for its indiscriminate diet, which includes turtles, seabirds, and even license plates.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
I bet Wile E. Coyote went near suicidal when he discovered DoorDash after spending millions on delivery for ACME products.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.