I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
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ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
British websites use biscuits.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.