Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute

Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo

Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E

His flabber was gasted 😂

This woman is my idol. Free her.

[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”

X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…

No one

Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.

Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.

First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera

Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose

Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.

International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*

Me: Yep. That’s the one.

Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.

I hear you like horror movies

You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off

*winks forever*

Never teaching my kids to “rise above.” Going to teach them to be like Kendrick Lamar. If you’re going to hate, you must commit. Employ visuals. Enlist your neighborhood. Call the NBA. Don’t stop until everyone is dancing and laughing with you

Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?

Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.

Mine has been gone 6 years.

My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.

“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon

Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.

You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?

8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion

Thursday Thought.

I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops

huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.

[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”

Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood

Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.

[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]

“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”

Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?

Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.