I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
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I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
*feels the wind in my toe hair
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Me, abandoning the call I’m making after two unanswered rings: “well, I tried my absolute best to reach them, not sure what more I could’ve done”
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Trick or treaters are coming to my house asking for candy but I’m giving them something even better: a lecture on the importance of voting
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*