Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
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billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
us: pls chronological timelines
insta: what? insta stories?
us: nonono chronological timelines
insta: did you mean IGTV
us: NO CHRONOLOGICAL TIMELINES
insta: ohhhh you want to scroll horizontally
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Going to the gym is such a great workout. I never actually enter the building, but the walk there is nice. Sometimes I even walk back.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
me: are u Scottish
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
I remember when you could get a dozen eggs, a loaf of bread, and a gallon of milk for a nickel. now they got these damn security cameras.
To the first two people who thought Superman was a bird or plane… why the hell were you so excited?