I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
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4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
I am laughing way too hard at this.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.