I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective

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My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?

Me: The what?

Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?

*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*

Me: Practice.


ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader


[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]

Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM


I wonder how many people come visit our country and then immediately leave after trying a slice of American cheese.


The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.


I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?


microwave: gonna cook it

me: no please. just defrost the chicken.

microwave: ok i’ll do both


[on a date]

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”

[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok