My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
You Might Also Like
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
I wonder how many people come visit our country and then immediately leave after trying a slice of American cheese.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Because dodging your own family wasn’t enough.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok