@AnkCoupleTO

I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective

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@ArfMeasures

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!

Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?

Me: All the time

@TweetPotato314

billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire

smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good

@triviastigma

us: pls chronological timelines
insta: what? insta stories?
us: nonono chronological timelines
insta: did you mean IGTV
us: NO CHRONOLOGICAL TIMELINES
insta: ohhhh you want to scroll horizontally
#instagramupdate

@GrantTanaka

this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one

@karencheee

Going to the gym is such a great workout. I never actually enter the building, but the walk there is nice. Sometimes I even walk back.

@eileencurtright

Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron

@ClichedOut

[getting murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

@SirFlushaLot

I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes

@trapgrampa

I remember when you could get a dozen eggs, a loaf of bread, and a gallon of milk for a nickel. now they got these damn security cameras.

@AKATriple

To the first two people who thought Superman was a bird or plane… why the hell were you so excited?