I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective

You Might Also Like


Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!

Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?

Me: All the time


billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire

smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good


us: pls chronological timelines
insta: what? insta stories?
us: nonono chronological timelines
insta: did you mean IGTV
insta: ohhhh you want to scroll horizontally


this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one


Going to the gym is such a great workout. I never actually enter the building, but the walk there is nice. Sometimes I even walk back.


Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron


[getting murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]


I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes


I remember when you could get a dozen eggs, a loaf of bread, and a gallon of milk for a nickel. now they got these damn security cameras.


To the first two people who thought Superman was a bird or plane… why the hell were you so excited?